The Wanderer

The Mountain in China, Guarded by The Great Wall:

I once crossed my path with a wanderer. She had travelled here and there. She had probably cared about people around her in some way or another. She had probably cried quiet tears. She had probably wept herself to sleep. She had probably laughed her heart out. She had probably screamed from the bottom of her lungs. She had probably conquered the smile of many-including mine.

Yes, that wanderer had conquered me.

------------------------------------------------------

Before she became a wanderer to my eyes she was a stranger; Then she has left different meanings in my lfe.

She was first someone I considered my master, someone that I had constant exchange of words and coordinated with. We communicated through what we call in this modern era as a 'messenger'. Sometimes, we talked over the phone when we had to discuss important matters which could not be discussed on the messenger. She did not have a face to me by then. For me, she was simply someone I had to report to and coordinate with. For me, she was an aura of a high mountain in China that had been guarded by the Great Wall. She was simply someone I would forget when I was out of work. Someone I did not care about when my job was done. For me she was a cloud that will soon be blown away by the wind. Someone who did not have meaning in my life-just a long distance master- just a high mountain in China, guarded by the Great Wall.  Someone who I thought would have no meaning at all.

The Mishap:

During my “muchness” times, when tomorrow was within my reach, when I was almost ready to touch the other end of the rainbow, when I was lurking the innermost soul of my dreams, came the mishap. Then it happened- the sudden misfortune that broke the crystal dream.

It came during the beginning of extreme sunshine. The news blurted out from my other master here in my homeland. It blurted out like fresh blood melting every sensation I have. I was numb. No words were uttered by my mouth. No logical explanation was accepted by my sharp mind. Everything that I wanted to speak out started flowing from my eyes. I felt the warm tears of failure running on my burning cheeks. Where have I gone wrong? What have I done? Where should I begin? I immediately pushed away my selfishness from my system and looked at the pale faces. The pale faces with so many words to say but did not dare to. They were all in shock and at that moment, I blamed myself. At that moment I thought I was the one shattering their dreams. At that moment, I died.

I immediately but quietly went out of the room and moved to the near hidden corner where I poured my heart out. There was no anger that time. There was nothing at all- There was no anger in my heart and soul- just pain, just fear, not for myself but for those pale faces. There were only two questions running inside of me- “why?” and “how?”

After the short meeting that seemed to be the longest one in my thirty two years of existence, I went to my own corner as if it was an ordinary day. Why ordinary day? On ordinary days, I hum; I smile to people who are true to me. I did not want other people in that area to feel my distress. I did not want them to see me disheartened. I did not want them to mock my account. The account I have worked with all my pleasure. The account that I have served, without expecting financial upgrade. No, I did not want them to mock us. I did not want them to have that smirk on their faces. I did not want to see those malicious grin. So, I beamed. It was a moonlight beam. Darkness behind that bright light. I wanted to look normal. I pretended. I tried to hide my bursting emotion of hurt. I suddenly lost trust in my master-the mountain guarded by the Great Wall. I did not want to have a single word with her. I kept asking myself, why she had not even have the guts to tell me the truth. Why didn’t she speak of the truth? Didn't she value my worth?

Right, I did not want to have a word with her. I was cold. I was cold as ice. I wanted her to feel it. But the respect for her that is innate in me did not allow me to. The pillar of the Chinese mountain finally conceded.

She had meant nothing to me, so no anger was felt. When someone is nothing to you, you feel less emotion for whatever that person has done to you. My emotion was not extreme towards her. She was nothing to me. She was a cloud to me. I had had conversations with her every day but just like the clouds, once I do not see it, I do not care about it. It vanishes along with the wind.

The Sakura Tree:

After several days, decisions had to be made. I was almost ready to accept what my master here in my homeland was to offer. I was ready. The people who I called pale faces were ready to accept their destiny. They were ready to face the fate that they had nothing to do about.   Some were chosen to stay. Some had to leave. It worried me. I was strong during the day, but at night I shed tears. I slept for an hour and woke up the next. It was not only me to worry about. It was no longer me. It was the pale faces. It was them. I felt that I was to blame. I felt that I was responsible for this downfall in their lives. Guilt rushed to every bit of my veins. Guilt for something I have not done.

Then she came. Yes. My master from the far distance came. 

I was excited that the person I just talk to from across the miles will soon have a face. She will be having a face. The face that has been painted in my thought as the Great Wall of China will have a face.

I was nervous that things will turn out to be worst.

I was hopeful that things may turn out to be the best.

I anticipated her arrival.

Then the day came. 

She arrived.

With no idea, with no clue I saw her. I knew that it was her. I recognized her. She was like a beautiful Sakura tree.

Tall, bright and her aura was the sunshine in spring time.

Perhaps it is my fondness in drawings, in paintings, in art, in colors that for some reasons, in my eyes people have colors depending on their personality. Not their skin color, nor the clothes they are wearing but the color of their being. The person they are. The color of their lives.

She was sunshine yellow and ocean blue.

With some of the once pale faces (who by that time, glowed like fireflies with excitement and curiosity) and “the others”, we discussed the conditions.

I watched every movement of her hands.

I observed every gesture of her body.

I stared at the innermost part of her eyes, as if trying to search for her soul; but I did not have to.

Her soul was there. Her soul was peeping through her warm eyes. I do not know if it was just me, but those eyes seemed to twinkle. They were like almonds dipped into butter and caramel. Sweet and twinkling.

She had a soft voice. Soft and calm. Calm and firm. Her voice was soft yet firm.

I sat beside her. She was warm. But her hands were cold.

I shall never forget the coldness of her hands. She held my hands, for me to feel her sincerity.

It was very ironic. Her hands were cold but I felt the warmth of her sincerity-at that time.

The conversation was over. Agreements had been done. Conditions accepted.

The decision to go with her was agreed to be a secret just among us.

She stayed in my homeland for six sunrises and six sunsets.  And during those days, somehow I smelt the aroma of her sincerity.

The scent of the lavender field in a windy afternoon. It was all yellow, blue and purple.

I met her four times-I met her on her 2^nd day, her 4^th day, her 5^th day and her 5^th night.

She was a Sakura. Beautiful and calm. Bright and tall.

Each time I met her, she was a Sakura.

Then on the 5^th night she was a Unicorn.

During dinner that night, I watched the summer stars shine on her; she was not pretentious. Very open. Very straightforward. Yet very dignified.

My master was like a Unicorn.

A mythical creature that can only be found in dreams. 

A creature that can only be heard through stories, read on books, seen on pictures.

She was unique compared to others that I have met.

That was a cool summer night. That was when I realized, that for the years that I have had conversations with her from across the ocean, she had tamed me. And now I am tamed by her.

In a short span of time, I trusted her once more. I was tamed.

Then on her 6^th day, she left. She went back to her homeland.

The Wanderer:

After many minutes, hours, days and weeks, we transferred to the new place. Not as heaven as before.

The place was not at all that could be called greatness!  But somehow, it was like a warm cozy cottage in the middle of the woods. A place where you can find comfort and warmth-it was simply because I was still with those familiar faces-some of the once pale faces.

We tried to settle. Changes; yes changes were difficult. Everything was different but I knew I could fight the difference of heaven and earth. I was soaring with so much hope. Yes, I was full of hope...Again. I regained the trust I have for that person. I regained the “muchness” in me. I have fought the weakness in me. Everything seemed to be sweet. After a bitter April, May was beginning to be sweet- and so that is what I thought.

Alas! Another terrible news came, she told me the news. My master who was like a Cherry blossom tree to my eyes told me her news. The saddest news that almost destroyed my being at that moment. I felt like a blazing fire being poured by ice cold water. For a while, I was numb. I felt abandoned. I was like a rose bud that was almost ready to blossom, but was suddenly pulled away from my stem. I felt hopeless once more. The Sakura was leaving us.  Spring was over.

Then the day that I dreaded came. She left.

She was not ready to and will never be ready to tell me the reason-The REAL reason.

She had left. She abandoned us. She abandoned me. I wanted to feel angry. I wanted to scream from dismay and distress.  I dared not to. My innate respect for her did not allow me to. I tried to beam. I tried to light up, but my eyes would not allow me to. My eyes painted the emotions I have all over the place.  

It killed me again.  I felt like a limping fawn, left in the wilderness. A fawn trying to cope in the world  of evil spirits. I felt like I was ordered to believe in make believes and fairytales.  I was attached to my master. I got attached to her. Though she promised to be a friend, I found it difficult to believe, not because I do not trust her, but it was simply because that was reality. Two people from different nations, who barely see each other will forget. I also knew that after everything, after all the disasters, nothing is impossible.

I wanted to let go. I wanted to turn my back and walk away. I wish I learned how to get angry. I wish I had taught myself that it’s human nature to sometimes not care about other people. I wish I had learned that being selfish can protect me from the pain and the feeling of being disheartened.

I was quiet. The different wave of emotions hit me. But I chose to move on.

She has travelled from here and there. She is a free spirit. She is free spirited. She is a wanderer.
Yes, she is a wanderer.

PERHAPS:
She had learnt unconsciously that every living or non-living thing come and go. As a wanderer, she had learnt to give a smile and she had also learnt to take it back. She had learnt that goodbye is as easy to utter as hello. She had learnt that the world is her master. She had learnt that the world is her world. She owes it to the world. She had learnt the law of the universe, that what is left behind should be left behind. She is a wanderer that goes and returns. She is a wanderer who had found it easy to hold and let go. She is a wanderer who I wanted to keep in my life. I was wrong. She is a free spirit. She may touch you once, twice, thrice but then she can also let go as many times as she had held on. To me, she was a precious diamond that I would keep, but perhaps, for her, I was just one of those many people she had met while wandering and who she had left behind. I was attached to a wanderer. It was like holding the end of the string of a kite. Seeing it fly high and hoping for it to go higher, but waiting for it to come back.

She is a wanderer who can vanish or disappear to find herself, to find felicity, to find a place called somewhere. She is a wanderer who will, who might, who may come back and touch my life again or who may never return.

I should wait. Should I wait?

I shall never forget the Mountain in China guarded by the Great Wall. I shall never forget the Sakura Tree. If I will, it would be the Wanderer.

I will forget her. I will forget the Wanderer.
The wanderer has hurt me. In many ways she had. Let her wander. And let me just ponder. Let me reflect.

I shall move on for I have been wounded. I will heal. Time will heal my pain and my unseen wounds.
So many lies have been mixed with the truth, and it was not easy to identify what to believe. 

I have believed in lies but time will let me know when I am able to trust again,when I am able to believe again. And if I do, I will forever be a friend whom she has tamed. I shall forever wait, like the shore waiting for the sunset.

Let her be a wanderer. Let her seek what she has yet to settle; suppose it is her life, her love, her tomorrow, her happy ending.